Gin's Journal Diary!
by charisel
Summary: ...or otherwise known as "The First Official Rule-book of Los Noches!" Gin is testing his boundaries -and Aizen's patience- to discover what he can get away with. Inspired by Totoromo's "Gin's Notebook". Rated for mild crude humor. On hiatus indefinitely
1. Intro: The start of something new

**A/N: Hello! First things first, before i forget (again!) I do not own Bleach, or these ideas! I took most of them from a list I found on the internet of things you are not allowed to do in the military. Of course, I added a Bleach twist and a few rules of my own... **

**I am planning on making this a long, multi-chap thing, and I'll really, really, really try to update often, but if you read my other fics, well...let's just hope you won't base my consistency on them, eh? ;) Besides, this was incredibly fun to write...**

* * *

><p><em>Day 1:<em>

_I'm supposed ta write in this "journal" _(diary) _to, as Aizen-sama put it, 'better contemplate what I've done.' But because I'm not going to keep no "journal" _(it's a diary!)_, I'mma_ _gonna turn it into something a lil' more useful (_and fun! ^_^). _Welcome ta the very first '__**Official Rule-book of Los Noches!**__'_

_Now ya might be wonderin', why'd I have'ta keep this dumb "journal" _(It's a diary, gosh-darn it!)_, well, that brings me ta rule 1:_

1: I'm not allowed to watch South Park while on patrol. (_Whaaat? It was borin' and there was nuthin' else ta do!)_

_I've now taken it upon ma 'self to keep track of ma' doin's and make a careful record of what's no longer allowed in Heuco Mundo. For tha sake of all those poor Arrancar, Espada, and lowly, stupid Hollows who don't know better, of course; NOT for my own personal amusement _(LOL).

_Oh, and also fer tha sake of all those readin', I will omit ma' accent in tha recordin' of said rules. And fer tha sake of the younger viewers, I will also keep ma' language __**G**__-rated. (I already did, up there ^ :P)_

_Well, I guess that's tha end of tha intro; now onta' the good stuff…_

_Day 2:_

_This popped inta ma head t'other day when all tha lower arrancar 'n' stuff kept referrin' ta me as 'Gin-sama', and seein' as how I hate them honorifics, I decided ta at least change it ta one that I enjoy. The next day Tousen politely drew me aside and informed me:_

2: My official title is Gin-sama or Ichimaru-sama, and _NOT_ 'Princess Anastasia.'

_Ah, well, too bad. It was catchy._

_Day 3:_

_Well this was entirely NOT ma' fault! Aizen-sama strictly forbade me from threatinin' tha arrancars with ma' Zanpakuto, so I had to get creative! Apparently-_

3: -I am not allowed to threaten the arrancars with Black Magic-

_-either._

* * *

><p>4: Any Espadas or lowly, stupid Hollows either.<p>

* * *

><p>5: "<strong>AND ESPECIALLY NOT TOUSEN!"<strong>

_-not ma' words._

* * *

><p>6: And I'm not allowed to change anyone's disbelief in Black Magic by asking for hair.<p>

_*sighs* they jus' can't have no fun, can they?_

_Day 4:_

_This was jus' gon' be an experiment, not permanent or nuthin', 'cause it woulda been interestin' ta see tha responses, AND Szayel offered…_

7: I am not allowed to get silicone breast implants.

_I commend ma' self for ma' open support of women's breast cancer! But I can't say tha same fer tha rest a' them… Tousen wouldn't even wear one a' them 'I heart boobies' bracelets. (Though Nnoitra almost took one by force O.O)_

_Day 5:_

_Well, Aizen-sama asker fer this one. He noticed how much fun I'd been having with the "Journal" (diary, #$%&+=*!) and asked why I had continued ma' preposterous actions even with tha' book ta show me what I'd been doing wrong. Now, I'd been usin' this one fer weeks, and obviously there'd been complaints, because Aizen-sama told me after I'd answered:_

10: I am not allowed to answer 'In accordance with the prophesy' to any inquiries of my absurd activities.

* * *

><p>11: And I'm not allowed to get gullible fraccion to reply that to their Espada, neither.<p>

:(

* * *

><p><strong>End first chapter! That really was a lot of fun to write ^_^ and if you guys are as big Gin fans as I am, please take the time to fav and review :) I promise this will get even better.<strong>


	2. I'm not a doctor, atheist, or communist

**A/N: This is just so addicting to write! I know these are rather short, but they take me longer than I'd like to write; and yet, I did two chaps in one day! Whew! You guys had better like them...**

* * *

><p><em>Day 6:<em>

_Alright, so there's some things ya might not know about Los Noches. One thing is that Ulquiorra, (rightfully dubbed 'Aizen-sama's pet') is very meticulous about keepin' track a' our enemies and their abilities. He keeps a poster board up in one a' tha various hallways of Los Noches, with a picture and stats of each person from Karakura and the Soul Society that could be considered a threat, even to the lowest Arrancar. This way, all the hollows know who to look out for an' who they could match in a battle. Now, seein' as this board was meant to be beneficial to all the residents of Las Noches, I decided to list some of tha people that I think they should be warned about. Here's an example:_

Tousen Kaname

Blind, bad tempered and sorta ugly. Extremely dangerous if you get him talking, specifically one of his rants on justice; as he will talk you into oblivion and you will wither away and die of boredom.

(And for new recruits: if you piss him off, his eyes shoot lasers through that rertarded visor thing he wears.)

Nnoitra Jiruga:

Bad tempered, proud, unbelievably ugly, and perverted as all-get out. Now the worst thing in the world to do would be to make fun of his curled genie shoes, clown-like balloon pants, and ESPECIALLY the big spoon thingy he always wears; unless you have a sudden desire to have your balls scooped out with said spoon through your head.

(And new recruits, I know it's hard, but I would also refrain from returning a smile to him; however enticing it may be, as his large piano teeth are highly amusing, he is liable to take that as an invite and throw you to the ground and rape you right there.)

Grimmjow Jagerjaques:

'Unique' hair, HORRID temper, and, as he put it, he DOES NOT **"HAVE AN UNNATURAL OBSESSION WITH THE KUROSAKI KID!" **Yes, his release form is a bit feline, but as I found out the hard way, he does not take to being called a 'good kitty kitty,' and even if he does chase the ball of yarn you throw past him, he will murder your #$ afterwards.

(New recruits: as for the hole through his stomach, may I remind you that it is neither a basketball hoop, soccer/ hockey goal, or a tool for cero aim practice; and it does not fit more than 56 marshmallows.

_I almost got away with this too, because everyone simply figured that I would actually tell the new recruits to do these things rather than actually risk my own neck, but Aizen eventually declared:_

12: I am not allowed to post pictures of people that I don't like, or want to make mad, on the 'Wanted' board.

* * *

><p>13: Neither am I allowed to post people for just being ugly<p>

* * *

><p>14: "And not for being annoying either, Gin"<p>

* * *

><p><em>Day 7:<em>

_Fer some reason, Szayel asked me ta help him label his arrancar medicines, which had had all the labels torn off or switched incorrectly; pro'lly 'cause he thought I did it, which I swear I had no involvement in!_ _Anywho_, _after a few_ _hours of labeling and creating new labels, Szayel went over my work. He practically flipped out and screamed:_

14: I am not allowed to title any product 'Get Over It'!

* * *

><p>15: I am also not authorized to prescribe any type of medicine.<p>

* * *

><p>16: AND I'm not sanctioned to give psychiatric 'help' to ANYONE, even if they desperately need it.<p>

* * *

><p><em>Day 8:<em>

_One of ta other things ya may not know is that us non-living creatures have an online website for auctions, somewhat similar to the human's EBay. As soon as I created an account for myself, Aizen-sama (unfortunately) said:_

17: I am not permitted to sell anyone's soul, even if the title 'Soul-Sales' is a bit misleading.

_Day 9:_

_I don' think this one needs an explanation:_

18: I am not allowed to try to overthrow the management of Heuco Mundo and convert everyone to communism.

* * *

><p>19: I am also not approved to gather a rebel mob to protest outside the Los Noches doors.<p>

* * *

><p><em>Day 10:<em>

20: God may not contradict any of Aizen-sama's orders.

_Aizen-sama was unsettled by this one. Apparently he had temporarily forgotten that he wasn't actually a god yet, and had assumed my collective view on the matter; either that or he took me for an atheist._

* * *

><p><strong>And that's it for today! I guess what I'm trying to do is 5 days a chapter, so, yea... plz plz plz fav, follow, and most impotantly, REVIEW! (I gave up my dinner to finish this, just for you. Yes, YOU.)<strong>


	3. Racism!

**A/N: ok, I thought I wasn't going to have time to do another one today, but I swear these are addicting! Because of the small space of time I had to write these in, this one is even shorter than the others, and probably not as funny...**

* * *

><p><em>Day 11:<em>

_A warning to the arrancar who have not previously witnessed me doing this: do not attempt to visualize as it could be mentally traumatizing and hazardous to your health._

21: I am not allowed to perform my now (in)famous 'Barbie girl' dance while on missions.

_Day 12:_

_Now ya might think me a bit immature, but I've found the teasing method to be very effective. I'mma see how much I can fit in one day!_

22: I must not call others (Tousen) 'annoying, two-faced backstabbers who are immersed in their own denial and have a twisted sense of self-righteousness.'

* * *

><p>23: I must attempt not to taunt all the arrancars and Espada who have funny accents by stalking them and doing exaggerated imitations.<p>

* * *

><p>24: I must try very hard not to antagonize the Shinigami, especially the high ranking officers.<p>

* * *

><p>25: I must also refrain from calling any Captains or Lieutenants a 'Wanker,' especially Byakuya.<p>

* * *

><p><em>Well, that was eventful. I was hopin' for more, but I guess I could fit more in ta'morra'.<em>

_Day 13:_

26: I must not tell the Espada, Tousen, or Aizen I am smarter than them, especially if it's true.

* * *

><p>27: "It isn't funny" if I ask Aizen if he was smoking crack after I receive orders.<p>

Maybe it's jus' me, but I never understand what's goin' through Aizen or Tousen's heads, or any of the Espada for that matter; but I prefer ta think they're all just a few screws loose. (Ok, I KNOW they're all a few screws loose.)

_Day 14:_

_I found that we have quite a few recruits who were of increasingly various nationalities in their past lives. This is incredibly fun to use to my advantage :)_

28: NEVER confuse a Frenchman with a Dutch…

_...long story..._

* * *

><p>29: Never tell a previous German that "You sure got your #$%&amp; handed to you in WWII."<p>

* * *

><p>30: The Irish arrancars are not after "me frosted lucky charms."<p>

_Day 15:_

_I suppose I'm back ta ma' routine annoyances… did ya know that the arrancars hate ta get up in tha mornin's?_

31: I am not allowed to take the batteries out of the arrancars' alarm clocks, even if they _do_ hit the snooze a ba-jillion times.

* * *

><p>32: Neither am I allowed to wake the lazy bums by repeatedly whacking them over the head with bags of garbage.<p>

* * *

><p>33: TOUSEN EITHER!<p>

* * *

><p><em>Uh oh… I think I'm in trouble…<em>

* * *

><p>34: I am not allowed to let sock puppets take the blame for my actions.<p>

* * *

><p>35: And apparently the sock puppets are not allowed to take command of my post either.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Yea, these were mostly just rules; but you gotta keep in mind, these rules are the result of Gin trying them out and getting these responses. I'm leaving up to your imagination, letting you be creative! lol not really, I just didn't put much effort into this one... but maybe I could put more in if I had more inspiration :) *cough cough (reviews!) cough cough*<strong>

**Oh, and a special shout-out to HyourinmaryXD for being my first follower! Yay!**


	4. Inspections, Checkpoints, and Newbies

**A/N: Konichiwa! This is another rushed one, because I had an _extremely_ busy day today. I said before that I wanted this to be long, but I didn't really guess how fast I was going to be going, so there's probably going to be quite a few less chapters than what I had wanted :( But there's still going to be from anywhere to 10 to 20 chapters still. Oh, and I'll publish a seperate fic afterwards that is just the rules without the minor commentary lol. I am trying to cut back a bit on the commentary, cause it seems to me that it's bit muddling; I don't know though, cause I'm not really receiving any reviws :P And the original Idae was to just do the list, anyway. Well, here you go, I'm done rambling:**

* * *

><p><em>Day 16:<em>

_Every Tuesday of every week, Aizen-sama has his precious Ulqui-pet perform room inspections and then all recruits stand in formation ta receive tha day's orders, jus' as if we was a normal human military. Aizen, as a' late, has required me ta participate in these routine functions (What, does he not trust me or somethin'?)_

_I didn' complain or nothin', though, cause this could turn into somethin' that they greatly regret :)_

36: Inflatable sheep DO NOT need to be displayed during room inspections.

* * *

><p>37: I shouldn't chew gum at formation unless I brought enough for everybody.<p>

_Day 17:_

38: I shouldn't chew gum at formation even if I DID bring enough for everybody.

_They better start watchin' what they say, cause I take sarcasm literally and I strongly believe that loopholes are God's way of sayin' "You should do this anyway."_

_Day 18:_

_We got some fresh meat…er, _recruits _today, so Aizen-sama had me an' Tousen take 'em through some trainin' exercises. First thing we taught tha poor suckers (who looked like they might piss 'emselves in our presence) was reiatsu suspension (balancin' in tha air.)_

39: It's mean to sing 'High Speed Dirt' by Megadeth while in the air with newbies.

"_See the earth below, soon to make a crater; blue sky, black death, I'm off to meet my maker." _

_Well, tha reactions was funny, but we couldn't train no quakin' pussies, so I told 'em a few stories to help them loosen up. Tousen interrupted and claimed:_

40: I can't have flash-backs to wars I wasn't alive to participate in. (The Shinigami/Quincy battle is still going on!)

_Day 19:_

_Well, after tha trainin' sessions, I had tha liberty a' introducin' them newbies ta some a' tha Espada an' arrancars._

40: Our medic is officially called 'Szayel' and NOT 'Dr. Feelgood.'

_After that, I was ta deliver an introductory speech, with some encouragements and some a' tha basic rules, (and I added some a' tha things that _aint_ rules yet that they were free ta try.)_

41: Nobody is allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes more than once on the grounds of the world coming to an end.

* * *

><p>42: 'Keep on trucking' is NOT a psychological warfare message.<p>

* * *

><p>43: Under no circumstances am I to attempt to appeal to man's (or arrancars) baser instincts with motivational posters<p>

* * *

><p>44: White body paint is not arrancar uniform.<p>

* * *

><p>45: 'Napalm stick to kids' is not a motivational phrase.<p>

* * *

><p>46: 'Teddy bear, teddy bear, turn around' is not a cadence.<p>

* * *

><p>47: The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence: Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Espada are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we've all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to Tousen.<p>

_Day 20:_

_We went ta tha real world today, ta my delight. Na' 100% sure what Aizen-sama is wantin' us ta do there, (I think he's jus' tryin' ta get rid a' me fer a while.) but imm'a plannin' ta' have some fun while I'm there! Oh, but I found out before-hand:_

48: I am not allowed to be an Imperial Storm-trooper while on a mission.

* * *

><p>49: The Heuco Mundo Garganta check-point is not an Imperial trooper roadblock, and therefore I should not tell them "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for."<p>

* * *

><p>50: The proper response to Aizen-sama's commands is not "Why?"<p>

* * *

><p><strong> A HUGE shoutout to WolfieLovesSilently, you are my first reviewer!YaaaaaY! I give you full rights to play with my Gin, whom I just adopted in a group on dA :)<strong>


	5. I FREAKING LOATHE TOUSEN!

**A/N: OK, I just had to do this! I stayed up much later than I was supposed to, typed in fron of an open window while the heat was off, AND I just realized it's Friday the 13th and I'm out of bed, so you guys better be darned happy! I was really inspired to write cause of all the love I suddenly recieved :)**

**A BIG FAT FREAKING THANKS to: loveless an the living fantasy, AnimexXxGoddess, AizhNi, tomboy8888, GiggleMaster13, Anonomous dude 70007, and WolfieLovesSilently! You guys seriously have no clue how much it meant to me to get your guys' positive feedback! This is a thank-you present for you lovely ppls :)**

**Warning though, I put a #$%&-load of rules and not much explanations, due to the previously mentioned conditions ^**

**But I hope you enjoy this anyhow! (Though I doubt you have as much fun reading this as I do writing it!)**

* * *

><p>Day<em> 21:<em>

_We just came back from our lil' "vacation" ta tha real world. I would have related all them juicy details back ta yall a' all I done did, but I have been ordered to keep it strictly confidential. They did not inform me, however, tha' I couldn't print tha new rules:_

51: I am not allowed to "Go to Bragg boulevard and shake daddies little money maker for twenties stuffed into my undies."

* * *

><p>52: I am not 'a citizen of Texas and those 49 lesser states.'<p>

* * *

><p>53: I may not use public masturbation to demonstrate a flaw in the command of a high-ranking officer (Any Espada, 1-4, Tousen, Aizen.)<p>

* * *

><p>54: I am not authorized to fire OR hire fraccion.<p>

* * *

><p>55: I am no longer allowed to quote Dr. Seuss on missions.<p>

_Day 22: _

_Well, I got in trouble fer tha' last entry ^^ but who cares? I told 'em they weren't specific 'nough and they aint got no arguments. They did get a bit more precise and I found that I could specify what we 'officially' did on our mission._

_Aizen-sama had wanted us to look into tha American way a' runnin' their military, and he wanted ta know if any a' tha' stuff was worth usin'._

_Personally I think them guns and bombs and whatnot we brought back would be very useful, but Aizen-sama has confiscated them :(_

_He is allowin' the weaker arrancar ta' practice with 'em, however. I am wondering where he put those tanks though…_

56: I am not allowed to shout "Take that, Cobra!" when the arrancars are practicing.

* * *

><p>57: I am not allowed to quote Full Metal Jacket while they're practicing, either.<p>

* * *

><p>58: I am STRICTLY forbidden from putting Tousen's face on the targets.<p>

_I found tha' tanks!_

59: I am not allowed to use any (former) military vehicle to 'squoosh' things.

* * *

><p>60: I am not allowed to use any military equipment to 'try something I saw in a cartoon.'<p>

* * *

><p>61: I am not allowed to trade the military equipment back for 'magic beans.'<p>

* * *

><p>62: I am not allowed to sell the magic beans while on duty.<p>

_Maybe I'll just plant them under Tousen's room…_

_Day 23:_

_Well, Aizen decided that I deserved a punishment taday :(. Well, I found this out, at least:_

63: The term 'It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission' no longer applies to Gin-sama.

* * *

><p>64: An order to 'make the walls white and shiny' does not involve tape and glitter.<p>

_Well, they're gonna regret this…_

65: I may not take embarrassing pictures of Aizen-sama, Tousen, or the Espada to show the failings in our management.

* * *

><p>66: I may not photoshop pictures of said people, either.<p>

* * *

><p>67: I may not <em>draw <em>pictures of the photos, either!

* * *

><p>68: I may not line my Espada uniform with tinfoil to reflect the 'Alien mind control lasers.'<p>

* * *

><p>69: The top of my chain of command is Aizen-sama, NOT 'Giant space aliens.'<p>

* * *

><p>70: Aizen-sama's commands to not need to be ratified by a 23's majority.

_Lol I don't think they'll be "punishin'" me again any time soon ;)_

_Day 24:_

_Inspection day again._

71: There are no evil clowns living under my bed.

_Man, tha Espada are bein' a pain in tha #$% taday. I think I'll fix tha'._

72: The 'four' tattoo on Ulquiorra's chest means he's the fourth Espada, "not" that he's been promoted six times.

* * *

><p>73: There is no 'Anti-mime' campaign being started by the Menos.<p>

_Don' ask._

74: I may not begin a game of 'hollow telephone' by spreading gossip about other Espada and telling them I heard Tousen say it.

* * *

><p>75: I am not the Atheist chaplain.<p>

* * *

><p>76: Nor am I the psychological warfare mascot.<p>

* * *

><p>77: I am not the emperor of anything.<p>

* * *

><p>78: I am also neither the king nor the queen of cheese.<p>

_Day 25:_

79: I must not flaunt my devices in front of a higher-up (Tousen.)

* * *

><p>80: I must not call block on a direct order from Aizen-sama just because it was delivered by Tousen.<p>

_Have I ever mentioned how much I loathe Tousen?_

* * *

><p><strong>AN: The actions taken and thought patterns given by this character are not nesscisarily condoned or shared by the author. Rest complaints with Aizen-sama **

**XD JK! These are things I would totally say and do...**

**M'kay, I am going to bed now before I die (it being Friday the 13th and all,) so 'bai bai'! **

**"SsssssNnnnnOooooRrreee *mumbles in sleep* 'REVIEW!' SssssNnnnnOoooRrreee..."**


	6. Crime & punishment plus HOMOS!

**A/N: This one is a special one, I reached grand rule 100! This one is especially dedicated to loveless an the living fantasy, for being my most dedicated reviewer, and to Anonymous dude 70007, for being the first to fav me as an author! (plus I kinda misspelled his name in the last chapter due to no spellcheck, as I'm writing the A/Ns in the editing bit; so no hard feelings, Dude.)**

**Special thanks to mysterios luv aswell, she also follwed this fic :)**

**On a side note, I was listening to 'Macarena' and random stuff from Toy-box, so if this chapter reflects that, it's not my fault XD**

**It is a little short though, so don't get your hopes up too high.**

* * *

><p><em>Day 26:<em>

_Grimmjow just came back from his lil' excursion. Aizen didn' show it, but he weren't too happy with poor Grimmy. Tousen was REALLY pissed… I'm na' sure if tha' was 'cause Grimmjow supposedly broke one a' his sacred rules a' justice or somethin', or if he really jus' hates him. (I'm leanin' more towards the latter, but maybe it's a mix a' both.) Either way, Tousen is a big fat hypocrite…_

81: I am not allowed to refer to Tousen as the big- meany "mom."

* * *

><p>82: I am not allowed to call Aizen the nice, softy "daddy."<p>

* * *

><p>83: I am not permitted to call the punishment of an Espada "parental guidance."<p>

* * *

><p>85: And it is probably best not to try to get Grimmjow to give you a handshake by offering your left hand. (He lost his left arm, courtesy of Tousen.)<p>

_Day 27:_

_The Espada are throwin' a big party to celebrate Luppi's new spot as tha sixth Espada! Grimmjow is not being a good sport about it though… well, who cares! I'mma get ma' groove on tonight, with or without him! (Oh yea, it's a dance party. ^^)_

86: I am not allowed to wear a skimpy dress to any hollow functions.

* * *

><p>87: I am not allowed to wear a frumpy dress to any hollow functions.<p>

* * *

><p>88: I am to never wear a dress again EVER.<p>

* * *

><p>89: I am not allowed to bring a transvestite OR a drag queen as a date to any hollow functions. (Szayel or Charlotte Cuulhorn.)<p>

* * *

><p>90: I am not allowed to challenge anyone to the 'field of honor' due to their inconsideration of another's sexual orientation.<p>

_Well that was just unfair, especially seein' as how Luppi is, well… actually, I don' know _what_ Luppi is…_

_Anywho, they asked me ta stand up and give a lil' congrats speech…_

91: When asked to give a few words, "Romper stomper bomper boo" will NOT suffice.

_Day 28:_

_Aizen has "not been pleased with your recent behavior, Gin." He asked me why I was bein' so…ya know… lately, so I told him it was on account a' tha' "Journal" (IT IS A FREAKING DIARY #$ %&*^%$#%%$!). He got this look like 'Aaaahhh!' and then said straight out:_

91: If the thought of something is going to make me giggle longer than 10 seconds, I am to assume that I cannot do it.

_I'mma have ta work on ma' poker face a lil' more…I'm surprised Aizen-sama is lettin' me keep ma' grin! Though I don' know why he is so ruffled about me actin' like this, he got used to it back in tha Seireitei. *Sniffs* I smell a rotten fish… I suspect Tousen :(_

_Aizen said he's gonna' hafta' keep better track a' me though T.T what is tha world comin' ta that my superiors won' even trust me?_

92: I must not start any report with 'I recently had an experience I just had to tell you about!'

* * *

><p>93: I must turn in all reports without accompanying artwork.<p>

* * *

><p>94: I must not write Kanji with anything of the 'Crayola' brand.<p>

_Day 29: _

_Aizen said that I'm on a sorta' "probation" thing , whatever that is, and to go about my daily business…_

_Tousen is being all creepy and stalking me _**O.O**

95: Crusifixes do not ward off anyone in Heuco Mundo, and I should not test that.

* * *

><p>96: I am "NOT in need of a more suitable host body."<p>

* * *

><p>97: Gozer does not dwell in the Los Noches refrigerator.<p>

_Day 30: _

_Aizen claims the shinigami are preparing and that we should take similar measures._

98: I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.

* * *

><p>99: World of Warcraft, Halo, and Call of Duty do not qualify as training.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>100!: The proper response to a shinigami invasion is not 'tell Aizen, Tousen, and the Espada what I really think of them and randomly shoot Kidou in a panic.'<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>AN: That's 100 rules total now, and i'm not even close to halfway through the list I previously had; then there's the stuff I make up on the spot, so there should be plenty of chapters left :)**

**Oh, and if you guys don't get one, PM me and I'll explain it. Example:**

**Jihad is a campaign waged by Muslims in defence of the Islamic faith.**

**Lol I though some of these were hilarious, but then I realized that not everybody may know what this stuff is (I'm such a faker; I researched this stuff myself XD) so feel free to ask.**

**Also, I'm open to ideas of any kind, so if you hve some good ones, I'll write them! **

**I hope I'm going to keep writing at this pace, but just so you know, reviews make me go faster! Oh, and a quick question: Who's gayer, Yumichika or Szayel?**


	7. Did I metion there were gonna be rules?

**A/N: Well, here's another! Now, this one has a ridiculous amount of rules, most of which I found had no need for an explanation. Plus, I wrote this extremely tired (I stayed up all night last night.) But I hope this one meets your expectations :)**

**Special thanks to: loveless an the living fantasy, WolfieLovesSilently, mysterios luv, EmpressSaix, summerrayah, and tomboy8888 :) all your lovely reviews warmed me to the bottom of my heart X3**

**So, on a side note, did y'all live through yesterday?**

**And as for the Q I asked yesterday, the popular vote goes to: Szayel! Whoooo!**

* * *

><p>Day<em> 31:<em>

_Szayel is settin' up some funky traps all 'round the palace a' Los Noches. I don' know if he really thinks tha' shinigami are dumb enough ta fall fer 'em, or if he jus' is doin' this fer tha fun a' seein' tha stupid fraccion fall fer 'em._

101: I am not allowed to mark booby traps and exploding pits with a smiley face.

* * *

><p>102: They are also NOT filled with candy, and it is wrong to tell new recruits (or Yammy) that they are.<p>

* * *

><p>103: And I am definitely NEVER to attempt to push Tousen in one.<p>

* * *

><p>104: I may not enter areas marked 'restricted' because my mother told me that 'I'm special.'<p>

_Since the arrancar can't walk 'round the palace much now, Aizen-sama is havin' them practice ceros in tha back._

105: I can no longer read my shoujo manga while I'm supposed to be training arrancars.*

_Aizen-sama has summoned me, Tousen, an' tha Espada ta tha big room with tha dinin' table._

106: I am forbidden from skipping around the room and sprinkling holy water on the Espadas' foreheads while shouting 'be gone, SATAN!' during Aizen-sama's meetings.**

* * *

><p>107: I must not mock Tousen's <span>ideas<span> in front of the Espada.

* * *

><p>109: I must not mock Tousen's ideas <em>behind<em> the Espada.

* * *

><p>108: I must not mock <span>Tousen<span> in front ofthe Espada.

* * *

><p>109: I must not mock.<p>

* * *

><p>110: Aizen-sama is not old enough to have fought in the shinigamiQuincy battle, and therefore I should stop implying that he _did._

_Day 32:_

111: I may not bum bras off the female arrancar.

_Tia-chan wasn't impressed._

112: I may not bum bras off the male arrancar.

* * *

><p>113: I may not bum fraccion off the Espada.<p>

_I'm sorta' bored taday. *sighs* I think I'll look fer some fun in tha real world._

114: Sake, green food coloring, and a 'cool mint' Listerine bottle DO NOT make a good combo.

* * *

><p>115: I may not trade our stash of military supplies for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, any of the Kardashians, shinigami supplies from Urahara, small children, or a special edition DVD of "Two girls, one cup."<p>

* * *

><p>116: I am not authorized to change the national policy in Eastern Europe.<p>

* * *

><p>117: I am not qualified to operate any U.S., German, Polish, or Russian armored vehicles.<p>

* * *

><p>118: I cannot trade Tousen to the Russians.<p>

* * *

><p>119: Crucifying mice- <em>bad idea.<em>

* * *

><p>120: I should not get others to say crude things in another language under the guise of saying potentially helpful phrases.<p>

_Day 33:_

121: I should not speculate on the penis size of anyone who can shoot a cero.

'_nuff said._

122: I should not taunt fraccion even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, or ugly.

* * *

><p>123: Never correct Ulquiorra about <em>anything.<em>

O.O

* * *

><p>124: There is absolutely no need for me to emulate a scene from 'The Full Monty' every time I hear the song "Hot Stuff."<p>

* * *

><p>125: Radioactive material should NOT be stored in Tousen's bedroom.<p>

* * *

><p>126: Smoldering piles of cero'd targets are not revel fires and therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them.<p>

* * *

><p>127: Hollow lizards are not entitled to a burial with full honors, EVEN if they <em>were<em> casualties of war.

_Busy day taday :)'lthough most tha arrancar are pretty much avoidin' me in general. Seems no one in Heuco Mundo can take a joke -_-_

_Day 34:_

_Aizen-sama feels tha' hollows dwellin' in Los Noches are becomin' a bit loose, so he's set some rules._

128: Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.

* * *

><p>129: Two drink limit does not mean what kind of drinks.<p>

* * *

><p>130: Two drink limit does not mean the <em>first<em> and the _last._

* * *

><p>131: "No drinking of alcoholic beverages" does not imply that Jack Daniels IV is acceptable.<p>

* * *

><p>132: "I'm drunk." Is a bad answer to give any questions posed by Aizen-sama.<p>

* * *

><p>133: The kidou used to transmit urgent information as if it were a loudspeaker is not a device to voice my personal opinions.<p>

* * *

><p>134: It is inappropriate to sing 'I'm Sexy and I Know It 'through it.<p>

* * *

><p>135: It is also wrong to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno through it.<p>

_Day 35:_

_Tousen is so mean! I was tryin' ta hold a polite conversation with him an' he kept interruptin' me ta tell me:_

136: "Shpadoinkle" isn't a real word.

_Prick._

_Well Aizen-sama is really crackin' down. He seems ta think tha' we (meaning me) need nore discipline, though I can't fathom how he came across tha' notion._

137: I must not teach arrancar how to make bombs.

* * *

><p>138: Dancing in the turrets is now prohibited.<p>

* * *

><p>139: Shouting "Let's do the whole village! Let's do the whole #$%&amp; village!" while on a mission is bad.<p>

* * *

><p>140: Returning from said mission in full Samurai uniform while reeking of sake is greatly frowned upon.<p>

_Well Aizen can go screw himself! His hair is greasy and he's not sexy like he thinks he is (translate: Aizen is a poopy head and not as sexy as me.) :P_

* * *

><p><strong>And th-th-th-that's all folks! lol so I hope that wasn't too bad. Just to let you guys know, this story has more reviews than I've ever recieved before, so they mean alot to me :)<strong>

**Remember, I take ideas, and the more ideas I get, the longer it will take to get through the ones I have, and the longer that it takes to use my ideas, THE MORE CHAPTERS I WRITE! Deductive reasoning ;) so REVIEW! (Oh, and as a reminder, feel free to ask questions.)**

**Oh, and next Q: for the guys, Hallibel, Orihime, Yoruichi, or Rangku? for the girls, Grimmjow, Renji, Byakuya, or Ulquiorra?**

* * *

><p><strong>* Idea suggested by loveless an the living fantasy<strong>

**** Idea courtesy of mysterious luv**


	8. I'm sexy and I know it

_Day 36:_

_Aizen-sama seems ta think there migh' be somethin' wrong with ma' head, so 'e's 'avin' Szayel do a "necessary checkup fer the sake a' __**ALL**__ our mental health's." Bull. He jus' thinks tha' threatinin' me with Szayel is enough a' a subtle hint to back off. ^_^ sorry, Aizen-sama!_

141: It '**Is not funny'** to drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.

142: It is also not wise to drink three quarts of _red_ food coloring and scream bloody murder during the_ next_ urine test.

143: I should not threaten to commit suicide with Mentos and diet Coke.

144: Putting red Mike & Ikes into a prescription med. bottle and then casually eating them when everybody's watching is not in the least way amusing.

145: I am definitely _never_ to offer people (especially Szayel) to nice, long, relaxing back massages in order to escape performing an order given by Aizen-sama.

146: I am also not allowed to use said maneuver to lull anyone to sleep and then molest them while they are off guard.

147: I DO NOT need to treat 'piss bottles' with extra strength icy-hot.

_Szayel gave up :) I win, Aizen-sama; I win._

_Day 37:_

148: The proper way to respond to Aizen-sama when summoned is 'You requested my presence, Lord Aizen?' not 'You can't prove a thing!'

149: In hollow football, an 'ultimate wedgie' is not considered a legal block.

150: The following things officially do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, a box of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or Chem-Light batteries.

151: I should not assign new recruits to 'guard the fight lines.'

152: Teaching the fraccion to taunt Tousen "is not nice."

_Busy day. I really don' understand why Aizen-sama gets so upset (or at least as much as he shows he's upset,) or why Tousen gets so riled._ _Tha poor arrancar get so bored an' I was only tryin' ta help; na' ta mention how __**I **__get bored…_

_But on tha bright side, they're both seemin' a bit paranoid :D_

_Day 38:_

_The Espada seem more edgy lately. It is Tousen's personal opinion tha' it's tha result a' tha capterin' a' tha Hime, but I am under tha impression tha' all them are realizin' they are suffering from "a real lack of sexual attention." Well, except tha emo-bat; first he had Aizen-sama, now he has tha pretty princess all ta' himself. :P_

153: When the Espada glare at me, it does not mean that they are 'looking at me with unbridled passion and barely suppressed lust,' and therefore I should no longer feel the need to sing them 'Dancing in the Dark' by DEV.*

154: I am NOT allowed to perform lap dances while donning the arrancar uniform.

155: If I take the uniform off during the course of the dance it still counts.

156: No part of any arrancar uniform is edible.

157: When the Espada detain me from my actions due to 'questionable intentions' I am not entitled to a strip search.

158: Bodychecking Espada entering Las Noches is not beneficial to my health.

159: "No, the pants are not optional."

160: "Take the hat off."

161: There is no such thing as a 'were-virgin.'

162: I do not get 'that time of the month.'

_Well then, why did my Ma give me tha' talk then? _O.O

_Day 39:_

'_We now interrupt or routine broadcast for a special note from the author.'_

_Lolz ^_^ I got a funny story and ya'll won't mind if I share before I continue with all them rules, right? 'Kay. So I was walkin' down ta tha room that controls the video feed and hallways (I wasn't plannin' nothin…*whistles nonchalantly and glances around nervously*) and I saw Tousen an' tha new arrancar 'Wonderbread' or 'Curry rice' or 'Jerry' or something. Normally bumpin' inta them ain't strange or nothin', but tha real oddity is tha' Tousen was _watching the video feed. _Am I tha only one who didn' get tha memo or what? Cause I was pretty darned sure tha' _**blind people****can't see. **_Ah well, maybe it makes him feel better ta pretend; or maybe he's just in denial. _

_After I got done ponderin' tha' lil' paradox, I realized how bored a' tha Los Noches building I am, AN' I'm temporarily banned from tha world a' tha livin'. What to do, what to do…_

163: The revolution **is not now.**

164: I am not to gather any willing (translate: gullible) fraccion to build a sand castle rivaling Las Noches to protest an order given by Aizen-sama.**

165: I am not to operate a rebel government issuing orders to annoy Tousen from said structure.

_They say I'm not 'qualified' ta be in charge or 'operate a chain of command.' Well, I'll show them!_

166: I am not allowed to operate any form of business from the arrancar barracks.

167: Especially not a pornographic movie studio.

168: Even if they _are_ especially supportive of the hollow cause.

_Gosh-dangit! Dern them all ta heck! I'll get ma' revenge, I swear!_

_Day 40:_

_Aizen-sama says tha carrot-head hybrid boy is gonna be comin' soon ta rescue tha pet. Fer someone he and Ulqui-kun are so determined ta label as 'of no importance,' he sure seems to be takin' precautions fer him… ALL tha residents a' Las Noches are now performin' drills._

169: I am not allowed to defect to the shinigami during practice routines. **(A/N: Oh, the irony. XD)**

170: I must try not to shoot kidou at Aizen-sama's personal guard.

171: I should not refer to the hougiyouku as the "shiny ball of do~om."

172: I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance.

173: We do not charge into battle "naked, like the Celts," and that does not mean that Aizen-sama is being "racist and inconsiderate to our hollow's national varieties."

174: Nobody thinks it's funny to say "That's what she said!" after every one of Aizen-sama's comments.*

175: Nobody within the Las Noches building (more notably the Espada or Tousen and Aizen) has either the time nor the inclination to hear what I did with five boxes of fruit roll-ups.


	9. Cloudy with a chance of Holiday spirit

**A/N: Wow! I got that done much quicker than expected! I guess I got motivated by all your guy's awesome support! I mean, almost 10 reviews for one chapter? You don't know how happy I am!**

**SPECIAL thanks to: The Goddess Of Flash, HappyFestus, EmpressSaix, 17chilld-of-the-moon17, mysteri0s, Gamma-Beta-Alpha, Horo-Emptiness, xXxWolvesInTheNightxXx, and Anonymous Pride - My first real fan! **

**On a special side note, I'm offering a special one-shot to whomever is the 50th reviewer. Anything within the Bleach realm that I feel I can accomplish, I will dedicate to you! So, on with the story!**

* * *

><p><em>Day 41:<em>

_Aizen-sama sure is obsessed with tha human's form of tha army. He is separatin' us inta' real world resemblant military groups, and he wants us ta fill out these forms ta see where we are more "suited" for._

176: On official documents, my race is not 'other.'

* * *

><p>178: Nor is it, 'Secretariat, in the third.'<p>

* * *

><p>179: Pokémon Trainer is not an MOS.<p>

* * *

><p>180: The Spanish (or Mexican) arrancars always eat the hollow bugs, so there is no entertainment value in daring them to do it.<p>

_Now I never have been good at bein' patient, but tha' Ichigo kid is takin' __forever__ ta get here. And yall know how I get when I'm bored…_

181: I am not allowed to hold s'more roasting bonfires to teach the other arrancar campfire songs while on guard duty.

* * *

><p>182: The stolen (and off-limit) military vehicles<strong>cannot<strong> be reassembled into giant battle robots. (Mechas.)

* * *

><p>184: The proper response to one of Aizen-sama's meeting speeches is not "That's what <em>you<em> think."

* * *

><p>185: Aizen-sama is at the top of the chain of command, NOT the Masons or the Gray Aliens.<p>

* * *

><p>186: I am not allowed to 'alter' the Espada's numerical tattoos.<p>

_*sighs.* These days are jus' full a' disappointments, ne?_

_Day 42:_

_Still bored, but Tousen's pissin' me off more than usual…_

187: I am not allowed to take embarrassing photos of any higher ranked persons in Las Noches; (translate: Tousen.)

* * *

><p>188: I am not allowed to use Photoshop to <em>create<em> embarrassing pictures of said persons. (again, Tousen.)

* * *

><p>189: I am not allowed to stalk Tousen and sing "Henry the VIII I Am" until he loses his temper. (Side note: that's verse 68.)<p>

* * *

><p>190: Human world chicken and rice MREs are not a personal lubricant.<p>

_O.O omg! I jus' found out tha' today is a human world holiday dedicated ta prankin' peoples!*** And as it's a holiday, I now feel obligated ta give some gifts._

191: I am not a suitable gift for anyone, even if I DO come pre-wrapped in a box with a pretty red bow on top.*

* * *

><p>192: Lying in wait in Aizen-sama's bed chambers covered in whipped cream is not anyone's idea of a 'pleasant surprise.'*<p>

_Well! It seems mah' gifts ain't appreciated! T.T I s'pose I'll just move on ta' tha pranks then…_

193: "Do I think it's amusing to hand in all the papers stapled in the center?" –Tousen

* * *

><p>194: It is <em>extremely <em>prohibited for me to enter the library with the express purpose of writing the endings of all the books on their title pages.

* * *

><p>195: Hiding dairy products in inaccessible places backfires.<p>

_I got Szayel an' Nnoitra in on this one! _

196: Do not use Morse code to hold conversations with your friends just to piss off Tousen and Grimmjow.

_We tried ta annoy Ulqui-chan too, but it turned out he actually knew Morse code…_

197: I am not allowed to rearrange the walls, mark off restricted areas with human world traffic cones, or give the arrancar 'speed-walking' tickets.

* * *

><p>198: The arrancar uniform is required to be worn <em>frontwards.<em>

* * *

><p>199: I am neither to refer to myself as 'Conquistador!' to appeal to all the arrancar's "obvious Hispanic fetishes," nor am I to shake hands with everyone I meet and introduce myself as 'Admiral.'<p>

* * *

><p><strong>200: I am not allowed to use a human world projector to insert the troll face over Aizen-sama's while we are in a meeting.<strong>

_Aahhh, it was so hard to take him seriously that way…_

_Day 43:_

_I am in such a holiday mood, thanks ta yesterday! I have decided that today will be a day devoted ta celabratin' ALL ma' favorite holidays…_

201: I am to never again sing 'Jingle bells, Tousen smells' until physically restrained EVER AGAIN.

* * *

><p>202: The playboy bunny costume may NOT be substituted for the Easter Bunny outfit.**<p>

* * *

><p>203: I am prohibited from ever again imitating an Irish accent and accusing everyone for trying to 'steal me pot 'o' gold!'<p>

* * *

><p>204: Szayel does not have an appreciation for classics such as 'Feliz Navidad.'<p>

* * *

><p>205: I am never to enter the kitchen again to fulfill my destiny as "Turkey Brent!"<p>

* * *

><p>206: I should not feel insulted over not receiving Mothers-Day cards from all the Espada, nor should I feel required to make one for Aizen-sama.<p>

* * *

><p>207: Similarly, it is inappropriate to hand Tousen a Fathers-Day card that says "Who's your daddy?"<p>

* * *

><p>208: We do not celebrate Abraham Lincoln's birthday. Especially when it's not.<p>

* * *

><p>209: It is officially 'Halloween' and not "Hollow-een" and therefore I should not attempt to convince the arrancar that it is their duty on this day to haunt the human world.*<p>

* * *

><p>210: Irony is disregarded for Independence Day if I attempt to write a Declaration of Independence freeing all the hollow from 'Aizen-sama's suppressive tyranny.'<p>

* * *

><p>211: Ulquiorra will not be my Valentine.<p>

* * *

><p>212: Grimmjow is not a suitable choice to ask for a midnight kiss to "rein in the New Year."<p>

_And so ends a glorious day of festivities and holiday spirit! Though I can't say everyone else was in the same cheer I was…_

_Day 44:_

_DUN DUN DUN, DUN DUH DUN, DUN DUH DUN… STAR WARS MARATHON! Lolz ^_^ _

_Hey, could Kyouya Suigetsu be considered a sith? 'Cause he sure seems ta have control over tha dark side a' tha force…_

_Or maybe he's a Jedi in disguise! Ya know, "These are not the droids you're looking for." It's like hypnotization, ne?_

_That's it! Aizen-sama's slogan for his recruitment posters should say, "Come to the dark side, we have cookies!"_

_Ok, I'm done with ma' rant. I jus' got a lil' hyped up from all them cookies…_

213: I am not allowed to try to force-choke Tousen.

* * *

><p>214: I am not allowed to refer to the arrancar as 'droids' and shout, "Hey! We don't serve your kind here!"<p>

215: I am not allowed to hand out false pod-racer tickets to the arrancars using Sonido. (e.g. Broken clutch pedal, Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs, and Flux capacitor emits a loud whine when engaged.)

216: Not allowed to explain to Ulquiorra why being emo "leads a path to the dark side, it does."

_Hmmm… Now Starkk is watchin' Star Trek. I wonder if that's any good…_

_Day 45:_

_Aizen-sama has sent me an' a few Espada to tha livin' world ta check out why the darned carrot top is takin' so long ta come rescue his princess. We are currently wearin' some a' Szayel's special gigais 'cause we couldn't find no trace a' his reiatsu…_

217: I am not allowed to sew anti-theft detector strips to Yammy's pants when Tia decides to go to the mall.

* * *

><p>218: It is unnecessary to specify that my order is 'to go' at a drive through or when we're calling in for take-out.<p>

* * *

><p>219: People will question your mental health when you buy large quantities of dental floss just to go around licking all the mint flavor off.<p>

* * *

><p>220: It gives people a migraine to only wear neon orange clothing.<p>

* * *

><p>221: "That didn't mean the less clothing you wear, the less the head-ache!"<p>

* * *

><p>222: Be sure to be watching a Hannah Montana rerun marathon everytime the others are home and you know their show is on, it gets satisfying results.<p>

* * *

><p>223: It is not necessary complain about being bored for a half hour and then finish the '99 bottles of beer' song.<p>

* * *

><p>224: Tia takes it personally when you follow her around all day and spray everthing she touches with Lysol.<p>

* * *

><p>225: You are labeled a general nuisance when you take a bath in cologne, go to a fancy resteraunt and refuse to be seated until you have consumed the full bowl of complimentary mints, and when you're finally seated, order Funions with your Filet Minion.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>*Inspired by: mysteri0s<strong>

****Inspired by: EmpressSaix**

*****Inspired by: Horo-Emptiness**

* * *

><p><strong>I'm not altogether sure what that chapter was all about... I was in some weid moods. On the bright side, it was way longer than usual! But, on the down side, I used so many rules and ideas that the next chapter might be the last. I probably could scrape together some more ideas after a while, but the next chapter will be the last regular one. I do hope that I can reach 50 reviws by that time! I must say, I never expected so many reviews...and it made me really happy. I love you guys sooo much!<strong>

**Remember to review, ask questions, or leave suggestions!**

**Until then! Ja ne!**


	10. Special Edition: Elevators!

**A/N: I AM SO SORRY I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO APOLOGIZE! This past month just got so hectic. I swear I was working any spare time I had; I just had (still have) multiple projects I was working on (betaing, co-authoring, papers, etc.) plus I started drivers ed! Ugh. I decided to make it up to you by having a SPECIAL EDITION! chapter, with more rules than I think I've ever previously done (around 85!) But this is just a filler chapter, so I still have my last list for the actual planned chapter still in progress (it's actually half written now.) Just to stretch out this fic longer, (cause you awesome, amazing, WONDERFUL ppls seem to really like this) I am putting at least 1 more filler before the actual chapter. So, if one of your ideas does not appear, it means I am just waiting to put it in that chapter so you don't have the humiliation of your creative suggestions being subjected to just fillers. lol. Due to my previous stated reasons as well, I am postponing individual shout-outs until that chapter too, but any favs/alerts/reviews from the last chapter until then will be listed.**

**THANKS SINCERELY TO ALL THOSE THAT DID THOUGH! YOu really can't know how much they mean to me, and how happy they make me feel (IK, I'm a sap.)**

**The nature of this chapter is going to be a bit different (as will be explained,) but I hope you guys will be satisfied with it; my main goal right now is to portray Gin's epicness and to just make you guys laugh.**

**Anyway, I really am sorry and I apologize for the long wait. I know I myself hate authors who take a month to update, and yet here I am! (And now that I think about it, I'm not particularly fond of long authors notes, so I'm going to shut up now.)**

* * *

><p><em>Day 46:<em>

_Aizen-sama has given a few a' us orders (Tia and Stark,) but tha rest a' us are ta' "wait patiently" until further notice. I can' complain much though; tha livin' world has distractions galore!_

_Tha first thing on our agenda was to maintain some appearance a' normalcy, so we bought a house. It's hard ta' look like an average family with tha variation a' us livin' here, but I though' I'd help and bought us a dog. When the curious neighbors inquired tha name, I cheerfully informed them our dog's name was "Dog."*  
>Then Tia suggested tha' we at least put up some pretense a' havin' regular jobs, so we all take regular trips ta' visit them fancy big buildin's in tha city. And with that, I introduce ya' ta tha' special chapter of my journal!<em>

_What is entailed in tha special chapter ya might ask? Well, when involvin' big fancy buildin's in tha city, what else could it be but ELEVATORS? (An' don' say revolvin' doors, while at first they were Kami's gift ta man, they now only retain…only painful memories fer me…)_

_(Note: These rules are gonna be more a tha' nature of what has a rule a workin', rather than prohibited pranks.)_

226: When there's only one person in front of you, tap his shoulder; when they turn around, pretend like it wasn't you.

* * *

><p>227: Every time you press a button, act like they shock you and keep going back to press another.<p>

_The proper response to inquiries of this particular course of action should always be to smile and inform, "I'm masochistic."_

228: Ask everyone who gets on if you can press the buttons for them, but consistently press only the wrong ones farthest from their floor.

* * *

><p>229: Call a psychic hotline on your cell and ask if they can tell you what floor you're on.<p>

* * *

><p>230: When there are other people on, rush over and hold the doors open with the claim, you're waiting for a friend. After a few minutes, randomly say "Hey, Bud! How you been?" and let the doors close.<p>

* * *

><p>231: Drop a random object such as a pen and leave it lying there; when someone goes to pick it up, scream "HEY! That's MINE!"<p>

* * *

><p>232: Bring a huge, bulky, professional camera, and "discreetly" take numerous photos of the other passengers.<p>

* * *

><p>233: Carry a small desk into the elevator with you, and every time someone boards, ask if they have an appointment.<p>

* * *

><p>234: Lay down a twister mat and get into an awkward pose. For every new person, demand that they either join or spin the wheel.<p>

* * *

><p>235: Leave a suspicious looking box in a corner, and every time another person joins, ask if they can hear the ticking too.<p>

* * *

><p>236: Assume the role of flight attendant and ensure the safety of the other passengers by running through emergency procedures and exits.<p>

* * *

><p>237: Periodically ask everyone in a mildly panicked voice, "Did you feel that?"<p>

* * *

><p>238: Stand uncomfortably close to a grumpy looking business man and consistently sniff them.<p>

* * *

><p>239: Whenever the doors shut, yell "It's ok! Don't panic, they open again!"<p>

* * *

><p>240: Run around the small area chasing and swatting non-existent flies.<p>

_No one was more surprised than me when I didn't get kicked outta tha buildin' until closin' hours. O.O_

_Day 47:_

_Next buildin'! An' this one's shiny!_

_This one had double elevators, so I stood for 3 hours contemplating which offered the superior ride until the receptionist finally came over to ask what my problem was._

_She was the same one that came back later and asked the same thing when she caught me licking one a them shiny windows. I said I was tha new window washer._

241: Inform everyone who gets on in a serious manner that you can see their aura.

_(As if; these puny humans aint got squat fer reiatsu.)_

242: Call out "Group hug!" and then enforce it.

* * *

><p>243: Make a variation of expressions and then start smacking your head repeatedly, muttering: "Shut up! Shut up! Shut up, all of you!"<p>

* * *

><p>244: Crack open a briefcase, purse, or whatever container you happen to be carrying, and ask "Got enough air in there?"<p>

* * *

><p>245: Stand motionless and silent, facing a corner; don't ever get off.<p>

* * *

><p>246: Stare intensely at another passenger until they either glare or ask what you're doing, then jump and back away exclaiming, "You're one of THEM!"<p>

* * *

><p>247: Sport a sock puppet on your hand and only use that to communicate.<p>

* * *

><p>248: Listen closely to every inch of an elevator wall with a stethoscope.<p>

* * *

><p>249: Make loud explosion or booming sounds every time someone presses a button. Perhaps even a fart here and there.<p>

* * *

><p>250: Go "Vroom, vroom!" every time someone enters or leaves the doors.<p>

_I got Ulquiorra ta do 245, though I was under tha impression he woulda' done it anyway_

251: Tape off a small circle in the center of the floor and inform the other passengers that it's your "personal space."

* * *

><p>252: Proudly parade around and announce periodically that you have a new pair of pink and purple polka-dot socks.<p>

* * *

><p>253: cover the entrance completely with police tape.<p>

* * *

><p>254: Break wind when there're only two others in the elevator. Argue vehemently that it wasn't you.<p>

* * *

><p>255: Hold and Auction.<p>

* * *

><p>256: Do the "potty dance" all the way up to the doors and the moment you step in, sigh and look relieved.<p>

* * *

><p>257: Go around and loudly ask each passenger if you can have a tampon. Especially if they're male. Even more especially if you are.<p>

* * *

><p>258: Throw a rave.<p>

* * *

><p>259: Strategically place potted plants and water bottles in corners. When someone asks about it, say that you "Refuse to ride and elevator that isn't Fung Shwei."<p>

* * *

><p>260: Greet everyone who enters with a warm handshake and tell them they can call you "Admiral."<p>

_Ya wouldn' baleive how many weird looks I got. Okay, maybe ya would.^_^ it makes me wanna go back fer more!"_

_Day 48:_

_Tia got angry at me fer bein' thrown outta so many of our supposed "jobs." She said we'll finish up appearances an' if I don' shape up by tha end a tha week, we'll move on ta a different type a "job." It's obvious what I'm gonna be doin'. ^_^_

261: Hum the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" over and over again until all the other passengers depart.

* * *

><p>262: Upon entering, brush shoulders with as many people as possible and whisper to each, "Was it good for you too?"<p>

* * *

><p>263: Start a conversation with another passenger. Reply to every topic with a string of sentances that do not portray any logical connection or coherence. See how long they bother to try to keep up for politeness sake.<p>

* * *

><p>264: Provoke yourself into a heated debate.<p>

* * *

><p>265: Bring the largest melon you can find onto the elevator. Try to sell it like an old Chinese woman who doesn't understand "no" and keep repeating "Only five dolla!"<p>

* * *

><p>266: Drum your fingers on every available surface, even occasionally the other passengers.<p>

_Note to any who dare attempt: stay away from the businesswomen. _

267: Mark a large 'X' in the center of the floor. Hand out pirate treasure maps to anyone boarding.

* * *

><p>268: Stroke your chin pensively and ask all the other passengers to tell you about their mothers.<p>

* * *

><p>269: Greet everyone coming on as if they were your long-lost BFF. Call them all the same name.<p>

* * *

><p>270: Propose with tear-jerking, heart-wrenching speeches to all the passengers. When refused or ignored, move on to the next, unfazed.<p>

_In effort to appear unbiased, I followed through and proposed ta __**EVERYONE.**__ I was accepted by a slimy, dirty,fat, baldin,' middle-aged homeless man. ^_^ I baleive fate brought us tagether!_

271: Say "ring ring!" and then pull a banana out of your pocket and start talking into it.

2

* * *

><p>72: Have you and friends reenact Charlie the Unicorn.<p>

_Szayel an' Grimmy-chan made surprisin'ly good blue an' pink ponies. ^_^_

273: Don full clown get-up and treat all the adults like children, offering to amuse them with balloon shapes.

* * *

><p>274: Challenge all the other passengers to balloon sword duels.<p>

* * *

><p>275: Sing Justin Beiber.<p>

_Day 49:_

_Taday ma goal is ta be as annoyin' as possible! Na' tha' it wasn' ma goal all tha previous entries, bu' I'm more serious taday… Jus' kiddin'!_

276: Enter the elevator with a large cooler marked "severed head."

* * *

><p>277: Sell Girl Scout cookies. In full uniform.<p>

* * *

><p>278: Freeze block shaped pans of water. Bring the "ice bricks" and build an igloo on the floor.<p>

* * *

><p>279: Enter the enclosed area with hesitation andor trepidation, and nervously disclose to another party, "I'm sorta scared….it's my first time flying…"

* * *

><p>280: Play "I've got your nose!" with the other passengers.<p>

* * *

><p>281: Shout "Food fight!"<p>

* * *

><p>282: Every time someone enters recoil in horror.<p>

* * *

><p>283: Stick your tongue out. Act like it's a cigarette and ask someone for a light.<p>

* * *

><p>284: Whenever someone coughssneezes/ attempts conversation, shout peevishly "Some people are trying to sleep here!"

* * *

><p>285: Lick one of the buttons. Tell everyone that you're sick and tired of everyone stealing your food the minute your back is turned.<p>

* * *

><p>286: When you arrive at your floor, grunt, strain, and pull at the doors in attempt to open them. Act embarrassed when they do on their own.<p>

* * *

><p>287: Riverdance.<p>

* * *

><p>288: Bring a snow board. Every time the elevator goes up or down, shout "All right! WHOOO! This is what I call sick air!"<p>

* * *

><p>289: Push your nose up against all the other passengers and inform "You know, this is what Eskimos used to do before having sex."<p>

* * *

><p>290: Use the shiny, metallic doors of the elevator to pick your nose. Be sure to wipe it on the carpet.<p>

* * *

><p>291: Use those same doors to shave andor perform your early morning routine.

_The number of disgusted faces is pilin' up innumerably, satisfactorily high . I haven't felt this satisfied since I set Szayel's hair on fire._

_Day 50:_

_Last day! Woe is me! But I mus' make tha best a' it. *sniffles.* Well, at least Tia promised next week we would be going to a variation a stores and tha like… So ma evil plans are liftin' ma spirits somewha'._

292: Every time the elevator starts going down, scream and shout, "This is it! This is the end! OH MY GOD! We're all gonna die! It's OVER!" When it stops, abruptly drop the act as if nothing happened only to resume as it starts again.

293: Ask all other passengers if they'd be interested in seeing your lawn gnome collection.

* * *

><p>294: Practice kung-fu.<p>

* * *

><p>295: Go around the elevator timidly asking each passenger, "Are you my mother?"<p>

* * *

><p>296: Fly an endless barrage of paper airplanes.<p>

* * *

><p>297: Bring a pocketful of frozen peas and a cut straw that fits undetected in your palm. Blow peas at everyone else when you "casually" yawn.<p>

* * *

><p>298: Do yoga. When someone gets angry at you eventually, suggest that they do some to, to help their anger management issues.<p>

* * *

><p>299: Serenade the passengers with passionate love songs accompanied by an accordion.<p>

**300: Pitch a tent.**

_That, ma dear readers, I will leave up ta your perverted minds ta interpret as ya will._

301: Enter the elevator with nothing on your head. Go around asking indic=vidually everybody if they like your hat.

* * *

><p>302: Bring a rocking chair. Sit and knit.<p>

* * *

><p>303: Recite gangsta rap lyrics in monotone.<p>

* * *

><p>304: Bring a shovel and attempt to "dig for treasure."<p>

* * *

><p>305: Read "Green eggs and ham" at the top of your lungs, putting special emphasis on each and every word.<p>

* * *

><p>306: Repeatedly ask someone "Guess what?" and let them continually ask "What?" until they snap; when that happens, reply "Geez! I was only asking a question!"<p>

* * *

><p>307: Comment loudly to another passenger hoe "SOME PEOPLE REALLY NEED TO LEARN TO CONTROL THEIR TEMPER!"<p>

* * *

><p>308: Ask another person if they have another pair of underwear because you tend to have uncontrollable bowel movements whenever you suddenly lurch up or down, and you forgot to pack your "elevator panties."<p>

* * *

><p>309: Stretch tightly a roll of saran wrap across the inside of the elevator. Laugh as people smack their faces trying to get on.<p>

* * *

><p>310: Rock yourself back and forth in a corner muttering to yourself, "It opens and then people get on and then it closes then it goes down and then it opens and then the people get off and more people get on but they're not the ones that got on, and then it closes and then it goes up and then it opens and then the people get off and more get on but they're never the same as the ones who got off and then it closes and then it goes down…" in a repeating cycle.<p>

_I got Uulquiorra ta' help ma again :P. Guess which one? Okay, it was number 303! And boya, it was funny as heck!_

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Phew! For some reason it was so hard to get to this! I mean I finally get an idea, and my sister hogs the pc and my work just piles up! grrrr...**

**lol soooooo... Have you guys seen the Hunger Games? Yea? lol So who's your favorite character? I just love Cinna! ^_^**

**Remember to review and send in suggestions for the future chapter (and if you want, you can give ideas for the nest filler chapter too; it's gonna be store pranks XD)**

**Oh, and if you just so happen to love pranks AND Sonic the hedgehog, go and check out my BFF's new fic, Best Ways to Prank Shadow the Hedgehog by AgentOfRedAndBlue; she really needs some suggestions for ideas. I started betaing for her starting chapter two.**


End file.
